Developing a Relationship with G-d

The other day my wife had a very busy schedule and was feeling a bit overwhelmed. As I had the day off from work, she asked me if I could see to it that the laundry was done. I spent much of the day focused on the laundry. I ran seven loads through the washer and dryer and got much of it folded.
Did my doing the laundry create a marital relationship between myself and my wife? The answer is surely “no.” After all, she could have brought the laundry to a laundromat for them to do. Would that have created a marital relationship between her and the attendant? Or, if we had a maid and she did the laundry, would that have created such a relationship? It is only due to the fact that my wife and I already have a relationship in marriage that doing the laundry can enhance that relationship by being an act of love, concern, and kindness. But the act itself, without any relational context, is meaningless.
The same is true of our performing acts of Mitzvos. An action alone cannot create a relationship. It is only when a person already has a relationship with his Creator, that these acts have meaning within the context of that relationship. But one who tries to perform more and more Mitzvos without any effort to truly develop such a relationship as a foundation, is just playing with soap suds that will melt away and leave him with nothing of substance.
This idea would seem to be borne out by a verse in Devarim 10:12-13. וְעַתָּה֙ יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל מָ֚ה ה' אֱלֹקיךָ שֹׁאֵ֖ל מֵעִמָּ֑ךְ כִּ֣י אִם־לְ֠יִרְאָה אֶת־ ה' אֱלֹקיךָ לָלֶ֤כֶת בְּכָל־דְּרָכָיו֙ וּלְאַהֲבָ֣ה אֹתֹ֔ו וְלַֽעֲבֹד֙ אֶת־ ה' אֱלֹקיךָ בְּכָל־לְבָבְךָ֖ וּבְכָל־נַפְשֶֽׁךָ׃ לִשְׁמֹ֞ר אֶת־מִצְוֹ֤ת ה' וְאֶת־חֻקֹּתָ֔יו אֲשֶׁ֛ר אָנֹכִ֥י מְצַוְּךָ֖ הַיֹּ֑ום לְטֹ֖וב לָֽךְ׃ And now, Israel, what does the Lord your G-d ask of you, but that you fear the Lord your G-d to walk in all His ways, and to love Him and serve the Lord your G-d with all your heart and all your soul, to observe the Mitzvos of Hashem and His statutes, that I command you today for your good.
These verses delineate five steps culminating in Mitzvah observance.
We begin with fear. Since the fear described here leads to love, it cannot possibly be the base fear of punishment. Such a fear is one which constricts a person, not one which expands his consciousness until he can develop a love for G-d. Rather, the fear referred to here is one that we would usually call awe. There is a relationship between the Hebrew word for fear, יראה, and the word for vision, ראיה. I believe the verse is telling us that the first step is to develop an awareness of G-d, the ability to “see” Him, so to speak, and by gaining an appreciation for who He is we develop an awe of Him.
This awe is the first stirring of a desire for a relationship. The person then begins to walk in G-d’s ways by emulating His behavior. Those traits which underscore the reasons for G-d’s creation of the world in the first place and which G-d manifests towards us become a part of the core of the person as well.
As the person deepens his understanding of G-d, now that he shares similar traits, his relationship can progress to the level of love. Once he is in a loving relationship the person feels a natural desire to serve G-d, just as in a loving relationship with another person there is a desire to do something for the one who is loved. (The Hebrew word for love, אהבה, has the word הב, to give, as its root.)
It is only at this point, once the person has a well developed relationship with G-d, that the Torah says “to observe the Mitzvos.” Only at this point can ones Mitzvah observance truly be infused with meaning.
Throughout our history people have struggled with this concept. Many have spent a lifetime pursuing Mitzvah observance diligently and scrupulously, while all along lacking a relationship with G-d. Doeg haAdomi, the head of the Sanhedrin during the reign of Shaul haMelech is offered as the paradigm for one whose Torah is merely superficial. We can only speculate at how great his Torah scholarship must have been to achieve the position he attained, but his subsequent behavior demonstrated for all that it lacked substance.
Why is this such a common problem, more common than not in all probability? The Maharal of Prague addresses this issue in his introduction to Tiferes Yisroel. He quotes the Gemara in Nedarim which says that one of the reasons why Torah scholars frequently do not have children who are Torah scholars is because they neglect to recite the blessing on the Torah. Later the Talmud says that the reason for the destruction of the First Temple was because the people neglected to recite the blessing on the Torah.
This seems quite puzzling. First of all, why would the Torah scholars neglect the blessing on the Torah? Secondly, how is it that prior to the destruction of the First Temple the entire nation ceased to recite the blessing? And, even if they did neglect it, why is that grounds for such destruction and devastation?
The Maharal explains that the idea of the blessing is to remind the person that as he studies Torah he wants to use it as a vehicle to connect to G-d, the Giver of the Torah. Too often Torah scholars develop a relationship with the Torah, they enjoy the intellectual pursuit that it offers, and never take it farther to develop a true relationship with G-d. They may be reciting the blessing, but they are doing so without the intent that it contains. As such it doesn’t accomplish the goal for which it was designed.
He likens it to someone who loves a branch of a tree. Due to his love for the branch he tends to it very carefully, but neglects to care for the trunk as well. In the end the trunk withers and dies and with it his beloved trunk. So too, one who develops a relationship with the Torah that is devoid of a relationship with G-d creates a situation in which he will end up without the Torah either. This, the Maharal explains, is what occurred at the time of the destruction of the First Temple.
Similarly, the Noam Elimelech describes a situation in which someone notices the beautiful and graceful manner in which a Tzaddik performs a Mitzvah. Enamored with the scene that he has just witnessed, the person decides that he will perform the Mitzvah in the exact same manner as this Tzaddik has done. But when he performs it it lacks all the grace of the Tzaddik. Why is this? When the Tzaddik was doing the Mitzvah he was connecting to G-d through the Mitzvah. As such, the spiritual forces within the Mitzvah filled the part of his body with which he did the Mitzvah. That is the source of the beauty and grace that was seen by others. But the emulator is only emulating the act; he lacks the connection to G-d which can define it and give it soul. His behavior looks awkward. He is worshipping the act and connecting to it, not to G-d.
This is the pit into which many observant Jews fall. Our being raised on a heavy diet of Mitzvah performance, being taught at a young age that we need to do Mitzvos to get Olam Habah (a selfish reason, and missing the essence of G-d’s selflessness that should define our behavior), the emphasis in the last few decades on Mitzvah notes and the like, has left people counting Mitzvah “Brownie points” and focusing on their relationship with the Mitzvos, rather than on their relationship with G-d.
A good place to start working on your relationship with G-d is the book Mesilas Yesharim, Path of the Just, by Rabbi Moshe Chayim Luzatto. Often referred to as a work of mussar, the true intent of the author is to give the reader the tools for developing a relationship with G-d. In his introduction he enumerates some of the issues we mentioned above as to why people find it difficult to develop a relationship with G-d. As he continues, he lays out a plan for developing that relationship.
In this essay we have focused on the difficulties, in a future essay we will offer some solutions and tips on how to develop the desired relationship.